in nine days he would have turned seventeen. i miss him so insanely much. i look back at our last interactions filled with regret. i see my failure, my lack of comfort, i see my confusion and my worry. i see how nothing would've prepared for losing him like that. i have tried several times to meet him again and its like the universe stops me. i don't know if its him from heaven forcing me to continue or if i'm just a coward, but i do know that for every day that passes we've been apart, even longer. i know that i'll never get him back. i know that its over, forever.

i think of him a lot. i think of his pretty eyes, his beautiful voice. i think of how he called me mimi, how he made me feel safe. i think of how i could feel like a little child with no worries, how he took care of me, how he held me close and helped me out of that horrible relationship. i think of how comforting his presence was. even not being able to touch his skin was something i accepted because just living in the same world as him made it better. now i will never touch his skin. now, i cant even be comforted by his presence.

sometimes i blame the people around him. for not appreciating him enough, for not keeping him safe from himself, for not grieving him enough. but really theres nothing they, nor i, can do. and its pointless to blame others for his actions.

a lot of people would call his act selfish. they’d say its inconsiderate of who he'd hurt, who he'd leave scarred. but no matter how hard i try, i cant see it as selfish. i knew more than probably anyone that he was just trying to escape. he kept apologizing, he kept telling me its okay. he did it for himself, and thats okay. i forgive him. i always have.

matt, you are forever missed , and as long as i live i will keep your memory alive.